I Still Think Of You

Today is a different day. It feels weird, like there is cold air waiting to disappear. I woke up feeling weary, like something was wrong. Then it hit me. Its unfair that we lose the people we hold close to our hearts. I feel life is unfair, but then life is life.

Honestly, I don't know how many years it's been since you left us. I never kept track because it all happened so fast but also because I prefer not to. Maybe three years, or four, I honestly don't know.

You were my greatest companion growing up as a kid. You and grandma of course. Both of you never failed to keep my tummy full and took me to school, church, family gatherings you name it. I couldn't of had a better childhood and all of us grandchildren, are indeed very lucky to have you both.

I remember you driving me to school in your Mercedes Benz, as you call it. You always looked smart and proper even if it was a short journey. Black pants, with a decent shirt always tucked in and your shiny black shoes which I remember you polishing some time ago. You always had black shades on, if not, your reading glasses and a copy of the daily newspaper.

During our drives to school you never spoke much in conversation. But you always made jokes along the way when we would come across pigs on a small farm or dogs running around the neighbourhood. You would comment on another person's bad driving and it would be so funny, I wouldn't stop laughing. I couldn't wait to go back home and tell my little brother, my mum, dad and my cousins all the jokes and remarks you made. You made everyone happy.

Nowadays, each time I go back to our house, I still feel you around. You somehow take care of us in spirit although I would like to see you for one last time.

The most prominent trait I remember, was the fact that you are always on time. You never made anyone wait, you never took time for granted.

In the end, I only hoped you had more time.

To see me graduate, to see me get a good job. That's what you told me. You told me to take care of Mum & Dad too.

I became a different person after you left. Emotionally lost and constantly seeking for you in every part of my day to day routines. I would sometimes find an old man that would have similar features as you, a girl and her grandfather crossing the road and sometimes I speak to you, when I need help or advice, when I need a friend.

I think its normal for people to go through this after a loss. Its sad. Many times I have caught myself crying because it would of been great to still have you around. The house is empty now, although Grandma is still around. Its empty because the liveliness of the house went away when you left.

I know you were in pain but I'm happy to know you are not suffering anymore. That you're in a better place, taking care of us from up above.

You were the light in my life and you will forever remain that light.

Happy Birthday Kung Kung (Grandpa)
I love you &
I still think of you. 

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Why We Hurt The People We Love Most

 

It is the most hardest thing to explain and also the worst feeling to feel as a human being. Hurting the people we love. Be it family, friends or lovers.

It is somehow an act that occurs unwillingly and unnoticed until the damage is done. We somehow know how certain events will end in our head. Sometimes an inner voice says stop, or things will get worse. Sometimes the inner voice tells you exactly what you shouldn't do but you never listen. There exists an urging pang inside of us to take the lunge. Then we realise only when its too late.

Often after we hurt the people we love we regret it. We regret saying things we shouldn't of said, we regret picking fights, sometimes we regret even starting a conversation but the worst part is we feel unworthy of them. Unworthy to be loved.

Love is patient, Love is kind they say. It is us humans who take the patience and kind away.

The reason why we hurt the people we love most is because of two things:
1) We care too much
2) We are afraid.

Caring for a person exists as an effortless act to protect and shelter those we love. To always make sure they learn to care for themselves too. But caring too much leads to increased levels of expectations, it leads to anxiety that we try to rid ourselves of. It causes a painful ongoing feeling of having to wait for something that might or might not happen. Then we can only hope.

We are afraid. We are afraid of losing the people we hold close to our hearts and so we go out of our way to prove how much they mean to us. In the process we become possessive, paranoid with over excessive thinking and we get hurt. All in the name of Love.

So why is it that this world is comprised of those who hurt and get hurt? I think it works both ways. To hurt someone means you have been hurt before. Its a cycle.

This post is dedicated to all of you who have hurt the people you love most and who are still working on how to establish a good relationship among family, friends or lovers.

Its funny how there is no good in this world without having evil. Its even funnier how there is no happiness without sadness. Maybe its called balance. You tell me.

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