It feels like cheap thrills. Cheap at times, expensive most of the time. Thrills, always. It didn't take me long to make up my mind. A wanderless fortune of ever after that I have palpitated across my chest and through visions in my head. I keep telling myself to breathe, that it will all be over soon. Faith.
It fells just like a door being opened and shut constantly in your face. A lost smile drained from the figure of you that coils into an escalating laughter. I will continue to fill this place with emotions. This safe place of mine which has become a public box of viewers and sore eyes.
Pour yourself out I urged myself one day. In the midst of sadness and grief you find whom you truly are. In the midst of happiness and joy you find out what you really want most in life.
I asked myself is it even possible to shut the opened door which I have let all my feelings and emotions overflow like a shock wave? No was the direct answer I got. From both my heart and my mind.
The beauty of this whole thing is we will never know until we go the distance. You, me and us. What is the worth of all these words if we were to just give up and move on? Moving on is not in my list of choice. Never has and never will.
Sad stories bore me nowadays after they used to make me ache and cry. I have my own battles and this is worth more than any heartache will ever come by.
So don't just shut the door and leave. Not when the world denies all access to our courage. Not when the world denies the possible thought of even being real.
Surreal is what would come of this. I know so.
I am slowly tracing the keyboard with my fingertips. I don't know what is more intense, to have such a feeling on my hands or having to hear words that send shockwaves through my spine. I believed it lasted only about a few minutes before I heard a distant cry of my soul drowning in the never ending rain. Pouring and pouring like how these emotions have turned into liquid form and taken up the well in your back garden.
Don't you see it was not once nor twice the bluebird came knocking. It was not thrice either that you laid me to rest in my bed of tears and ramshackle of a building. I am not wise but I am whole. From the emotions you have fed me. Of feeling worthy yet brutally useless. I am your slave.
If love could be a single manifestation that is constantly growing, mine would have reached its ultimate manifestation in multiple forms. First, emotions. Second, a safe house. Third, infinity. Infinity. Something endless, without bound and never quantifiable.
If I were to let you in on one secret this would be it. I can't love you anymore. Not more than how I love you now, today and always. This is the ultimate form of love I have ever come to know and its you whom my heart has chosen to pour it out to. You whom left me abandoned and lost. You whom left me found and seen.
I think I have no other ways of physically and emotionally expressing my love for you. So I guess I shall express it in the only way I know how. With words on paper. My tribute to you. My most favourite person.
For making me feel,
Loved and lost at the same time,
For making me feel,
Like the weakest yet strongest person in the world.
I have stared out this glass door for most of the times you have left me mindless. I have stared out this rectangular shaped glass and stared up at the skies that have separated us for days now, maybe even months. I spoke to God countless times before I left myself dangling on countless threads that were drawn from your hands. I have felt tears that trickled down my cheeks in times of happiness, sadness but the most profound, the way my heart has cast a unanimous vote on you. I will forever be bound by the words I wish to one day hear from you. I will forever be hoping and waiting for the things that might or might not come.
This glass door is not only my window to the world outside, but also the mirror of my soul from halfway across the world. It has been my medium of connecting with you and other souls. I let some of the pieces get caught by the wind and washed away in the rain. I remember though, to hold you close when you are far, though at times, far is all I ever feel. I am afraid. I am fearful of the two who have joined and parted and will meet again in the distant that seems so near. I am fearful for love. I am fearful for your soul. I am fearful for the change of paths and a change of mind.
That glass door was what I held close to me. With it I became sort of a free bird able to liberate through glass and penetrate myself through skies, to the place where you lay humble at your side. It has been a long time hasn't it? Long enough to forget and maybe long enough to hold on more. I will always miss that glass door. This glass door for now, is me. My entrance to escape into another world and be accepted by a whole, all pure and divine in your arms. I will let go only if you want me to. But then I realise I am not capable of letting go, neither am I capable of holding on. Floating is what I will do from now on. Until you find me again within the clouds above, rain will pour on grass that shimmer and bath in the sun.
I think that glass door was there for a reason. After countless events and sorting of the mind, the heart and the soul. It was there for us. Bound not only by my words here, but also by the emotions and feelings that have absorbed deep within me. Embedded in my skin like blood perhaps. I feel this glass door has become a part of me and a part of you. If you ever find yourself lost, know I am lost too. In between the spectres of this glass door I shall lay. Till one day you come and cipher me away from my fragile heart. I will wait, like I said embedded like blood. It is you. It will always be you.