I Still Think Of You

Today is a different day. It feels weird, like there is cold air waiting to disappear. I woke up feeling weary, like something was wrong. Then it hit me. Its unfair that we lose the people we hold close to our hearts. I feel life is unfair, but then life is life.

Honestly, I don't know how many years it's been since you left us. I never kept track because it all happened so fast but also because I prefer not to. Maybe three years, or four, I honestly don't know.

You were my greatest companion growing up as a kid. You and grandma of course. Both of you never failed to keep my tummy full and took me to school, church, family gatherings you name it. I couldn't of had a better childhood and all of us grandchildren, are indeed very lucky to have you both.

I remember you driving me to school in your Mercedes Benz, as you call it. You always looked smart and proper even if it was a short journey. Black pants, with a decent shirt always tucked in and your shiny black shoes which I remember you polishing some time ago. You always had black shades on, if not, your reading glasses and a copy of the daily newspaper.

During our drives to school you never spoke much in conversation. But you always made jokes along the way when we would come across pigs on a small farm or dogs running around the neighbourhood. You would comment on another person's bad driving and it would be so funny, I wouldn't stop laughing. I couldn't wait to go back home and tell my little brother, my mum, dad and my cousins all the jokes and remarks you made. You made everyone happy.

Nowadays, each time I go back to our house, I still feel you around. You somehow take care of us in spirit although I would like to see you for one last time.

The most prominent trait I remember, was the fact that you are always on time. You never made anyone wait, you never took time for granted.

In the end, I only hoped you had more time.

To see me graduate, to see me get a good job. That's what you told me. You told me to take care of Mum & Dad too.

I became a different person after you left. Emotionally lost and constantly seeking for you in every part of my day to day routines. I would sometimes find an old man that would have similar features as you, a girl and her grandfather crossing the road and sometimes I speak to you, when I need help or advice, when I need a friend.

I think its normal for people to go through this after a loss. Its sad. Many times I have caught myself crying because it would of been great to still have you around. The house is empty now, although Grandma is still around. Its empty because the liveliness of the house went away when you left.

I know you were in pain but I'm happy to know you are not suffering anymore. That you're in a better place, taking care of us from up above.

You were the light in my life and you will forever remain that light.

Happy Birthday Kung Kung (Grandpa)
I love you &
I still think of you. 

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Truth Is

Truth is, I would travel miles and hours to see your face,
To re-live every speck of memory again and again like it is our last,
To hear your laughter not as a video being replayed again and again.

Truth is, I would sacrifice hours of sleep to see your face not only in my dreams,
To be bound by the words that have captured me from within,
To fall asleep smiling until daylight hits.

Truth is, sometimes we don't get to choose what we want in life,
Truth is, we actually can choose,
To fight for the people we love even though at times we feel unworthy of love,
To fight for a person that makes you whole.

Truth is, this is as raw and honest as it can get,
To be honest, maybe I'm not halfway there yet,
To explain how much I am captivated with this world you have made me envision,
To force every single detail each time I close my eyes.

Truth is, we will never know how much we love and hurt,
To my thoughts, I will never know your amount too.

Truth is, nothing matters anymore,
To be with you is all I want,
To be honest, it is all I will ever need.

xo
Mavinia

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I Want To Grow & I Don’t Want To Stop

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When I was young I remember constantly trying to be the best I could. When my Dad asked if I was tired or if I needed rest, I always said no. I didn’t want him to feel like I gave up. Even if its nothing like that at all. I guess its how I was raised, to shun out any negative word that might drown me of my own capability.

At the age of nine I started getting serious on sports. I attended Badminton coaching and intense training. I became good at Badminton, but I always thought I was never good enough. I represented my school and it was a good experience of winning and losing. Oh, after starting Badminton I stopped playing the organ at Grade 6 and took up Taekwondo till I got my blue belt and eventually stopped too due to priorities on academics. It was hard to set my mind to focus completely on a single thing and to let the whole universe conspire to help me achieve it. I was afraid I couldn’t be good at other things.

In the midst of my Badminton training etc. I became a runner too. Long distance was my thing. It always has. Again, I felt I was good but not good enough. I remember training side by side beside my Dad late in the evening and timing myself. I remember the tracks and the paths i took to test my endurance. I believed I wanted to be Daddy’s Girl. To run just like he did during his younger days.

I have driven and shaped myself so much to this day that I am constantly on the move. Honestly, I believe taking naps are a waste of time, I believe that rest is something that only people who are super exhausted deserve. I believe I don’t deserve rest. I am in a constant loophole of trying to figure out all the possible things that I can and should be doing to improve myself. I want to grow and I don't want to stop.

Today I realise why I always thought I was never good enough for Badminton, playing the organ, Taekwondo or Running. Its because I believe, I and we are all talented enough to master many things instead of just one. Honestly I still don't know what I'm really good at and I'm still discovering myself. Experience matters the most doesn't it?

"You can be good at one thing and one thing only,
but you can also be good at many things" 🙂

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A Letter To My Bestfriend

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I thought of writing you a poem, but then I realised you deserve more than just big words.

Honestly I don't know where or how to start. Its like a tonne of words overflowing from me at an instance. Forgive me. But I somehow know, even after writing this, I can never fully portray all of what I need to say. These written words will never be enough.

We almost always speak in minion language.  Half the time we barely understand what we say to each other but somehow making those funny sounds and acting cute is our thing. Just us two and our secret language.

We grew up at different times and eras.
Although you had it differently growing up, you gave me the best things in life.

I grew up noticing few of the many things about you.
Your strong-willed character, your patience, your creative outlook on life, the way you always know the outcome of a movie and the most prominent, how you have grown to be more beautiful each day.

I would like to ask you how do you do it?
How did you know when was the time to hand me a good book to read?
How did you know the right moment I would need your hugs and kisses?
How did you know when I was sad, happy, in trouble or hungry?
Most of all,
How did you know I needed you when I didn't even know it yet?

I guess you would answer all that and tell me its because you are my Mother. I guess its true. A Mother's instinct.
But I want you to know that you are the most graceful person I know, the most powerful influence in my life.


Mummy, speaking of the poem I wanted to write you,

My big heart,
Never can fathom its emotions

My big heart,
Never deserved your kindness

My big heart,
Never understood how difficult were your struggles

My big heart,
Never understood truly the sacrifices of a mother

My big heart,
Never realised your bigger heart.

Thank you Mummy for being my confidant, my best friend & my everything.
I love you with all my heart inserts minion voice
Happy Mothers Day <3

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