I Was A Puppet In My Own World

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Over the years I have watched myself grow into the person I am today. I'm sure all of us are proud to have come this far too.

It has always occurred to me to ask myself who am I and what am I of good use to this world. Growing up as a teenager, I always wanted to fit into a group of people. I wanted to be a part of them as much as I wanted them to accept me. It was hard. I found myself doing things to please others. I became a puppet in my own world. I was controlled by what society wanted me to be.

I believe making mistakes are essential for you to re-evaluate your life. It makes you know what you want and it makes you understand yourself better. I decided I didn't want to be a puppet anymore. I wanted to empower myself for the great things I set out to be and that's what I did.

I withdrew myself from the people who claimed to be my friends. It was a good move. I withdrew myself from the world I made up in my immature head and became a new person. I slowly found myself by doing new things and engaging myself with other groups of people. I started to open my mind to embrace differences. I started embracing myself for being me.

Sometimes I wonder if other people have felt what I have felt? I'm sure we have been through this similar phase. I also know that sometimes there is a point in your life where you get so tired of pleasing others and you drop everything and change. Change for the better of course.

We need to live in a place where differences are accepted and embraced. If not accepted at least respected.

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I Want To Grow & I Don’t Want To Stop

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When I was young I remember constantly trying to be the best I could. When my Dad asked if I was tired or if I needed rest, I always said no. I didn’t want him to feel like I gave up. Even if its nothing like that at all. I guess its how I was raised, to shun out any negative word that might drown me of my own capability.

At the age of nine I started getting serious on sports. I attended Badminton coaching and intense training. I became good at Badminton, but I always thought I was never good enough. I represented my school and it was a good experience of winning and losing. Oh, after starting Badminton I stopped playing the organ at Grade 6 and took up Taekwondo till I got my blue belt and eventually stopped too due to priorities on academics. It was hard to set my mind to focus completely on a single thing and to let the whole universe conspire to help me achieve it. I was afraid I couldn’t be good at other things.

In the midst of my Badminton training etc. I became a runner too. Long distance was my thing. It always has. Again, I felt I was good but not good enough. I remember training side by side beside my Dad late in the evening and timing myself. I remember the tracks and the paths i took to test my endurance. I believed I wanted to be Daddy’s Girl. To run just like he did during his younger days.

I have driven and shaped myself so much to this day that I am constantly on the move. Honestly, I believe taking naps are a waste of time, I believe that rest is something that only people who are super exhausted deserve. I believe I don’t deserve rest. I am in a constant loophole of trying to figure out all the possible things that I can and should be doing to improve myself. I want to grow and I don't want to stop.

Today I realise why I always thought I was never good enough for Badminton, playing the organ, Taekwondo or Running. Its because I believe, I and we are all talented enough to master many things instead of just one. Honestly I still don't know what I'm really good at and I'm still discovering myself. Experience matters the most doesn't it?

"You can be good at one thing and one thing only,
but you can also be good at many things" 🙂

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I Believe In Forever

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When I was young I used to think how would it feel like to not exist.
How does it feel to lose everything you have one by one?
Its a scary feeling. It made me change how I lived my life, it made me a fragile heart.

I used to always wonder and I still do how is it that objects get their name. How is it a chair is called a chair and  clouds are called clouds?
How is it that people who developed theories of the world had the words for them?
How?

I was a child full of questions. Full of curiosity which I still have till today.

I started to be more connected to God at the ages of 9 till 14. I started praying everyday for God to protect my family, my parents and my brother. I had a fear of losing the people I love most. I became a child who was weary of the fact that the world is mean and harsh. Knowing I could not control certain circumstances and outcomes I relied in my prayers. God became my best friend.

I would like to believe in rebirths. It somehow overwhelms me with the thought that I was someone before this life and I will be someone after this life too. It overwhelms me more when I think if I will ever meet the people I meet present day in my next life. I always wonder.

It would be nice and truly a blessing wouldn't it?
To have my mum as my mum in my next life. To have my dad and my brother too. Wow.
A lot of thinking and wondering going on there. But yeah, It would be nice.
It gives me both fear and somehow a calming affect.

I would like to believe in forever. Because that way I can keep thinking and wondering. Making up stories in my head. If there were to be an end to all this what fun would that be then? I believe the most meaningful of life comes from what you make of it.

So yes. Forever.

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A Letter To My Bestfriend

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I thought of writing you a poem, but then I realised you deserve more than just big words.

Honestly I don't know where or how to start. Its like a tonne of words overflowing from me at an instance. Forgive me. But I somehow know, even after writing this, I can never fully portray all of what I need to say. These written words will never be enough.

We almost always speak in minion language.  Half the time we barely understand what we say to each other but somehow making those funny sounds and acting cute is our thing. Just us two and our secret language.

We grew up at different times and eras.
Although you had it differently growing up, you gave me the best things in life.

I grew up noticing few of the many things about you.
Your strong-willed character, your patience, your creative outlook on life, the way you always know the outcome of a movie and the most prominent, how you have grown to be more beautiful each day.

I would like to ask you how do you do it?
How did you know when was the time to hand me a good book to read?
How did you know the right moment I would need your hugs and kisses?
How did you know when I was sad, happy, in trouble or hungry?
Most of all,
How did you know I needed you when I didn't even know it yet?

I guess you would answer all that and tell me its because you are my Mother. I guess its true. A Mother's instinct.
But I want you to know that you are the most graceful person I know, the most powerful influence in my life.


Mummy, speaking of the poem I wanted to write you,

My big heart,
Never can fathom its emotions

My big heart,
Never deserved your kindness

My big heart,
Never understood how difficult were your struggles

My big heart,
Never understood truly the sacrifices of a mother

My big heart,
Never realised your bigger heart.

Thank you Mummy for being my confidant, my best friend & my everything.
I love you with all my heart inserts minion voice
Happy Mothers Day <3

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